La Belle Mere. Confused musings of a Stepmother on

What's the worst thing anyone could possibly say to a Stepmother?

2010-03-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

Over the last three and a bit years, I've learnt more than I thought possible about the secret world of stepmothers. I've read more books, blogs and forums on the subject, than you could shake a wicked stepmothers broomstick at. Prior to my foray into the tricky world of all things steppy, I never would have even considered any of the issues, problems or concerns of stepmothers or step-families in general.

And that's half the problem for most of us. There is a real lack of understanding amongst the "normal people" about the issues that we face. That's because, unless people have been in this situation, and can relate, it's very difficult for them to know or understand how it feels to be a wicked stepmother.

This is demonstrated by that ole, classic line "You knew he had kids when you married him".

Oh yes. THAT pearl of wisdom.

It's like saying to somebody with a problematic mother in law, "Well you knew he had a mother when you married him". Or someone with a difficult colleague "Well you knew you had to work with other people when you took the job".

Did we know how our relationships with the people involved would pan out?

Could we have predicted the animosity and rejection that we were destined to deal with?

Could we possibly have known, during those heady, early days of romance, full of hope and unrealistic ideas for how we'd all just be one big happy family, that we were destined to be brought smack down to earth with a bump?

Not unless we had a crystal ball and could see into the future!

The thing is, you see, we marry the man for who is. Because we love him. Not for his relations. We marry him in spite of the resentful stepkids, the difficult mother in law, the embarrassing uncle, or whomever else happens to be part of his clan, not because of. Whenever we take on a new job, we run the risk of ending up having to work with somebody we don't get along with. But we take the job anyway. Because we want that job! If we never took jobs, or got married, or moved house, or started businesses, or ran marathons, because of what potentially might go wrong, then we'd never achieve anything in life. And it has been proven, by studious men in white coats, that true happiness comes from the pursuit of attainable goals.

So to those that announce, in their infinite wisdom, "You knew he had kids.....", I ask you this.... what should we have done instead? Stayed home, in bed, under the duvet and never left the house? Never took risks, never TRIED to make the best of a situation, never followed our hearts?

And to my fellow wicked steppy's I ask YOU....... what's the worst thing anyone has ever said to you about being stepmom?

A thought for Mother's Day......

2010-03-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother’s Day! So how was it for you?

Well mine was lovely. Despite it being Mother’s Day, it was our weekend to have the kids so they were with us. I was very touched to wake up this morning to two lovely Mother’s day cards from my step kids. One was hand made by my gorgeous stepdaughter, at school. The other was a regular Mother’s day card with the word “Step” scrawled in large, wobbly letters in front of the “Mother’s” part of “Happy Mother’s Day”.

Whilst I was touched and it really was lovely, I still didn’t feel quite right about it. As I sat in my dressing gown, on Mother’s day, opening Mothers day cards from somebody else’s children I felt as fraudulent and guilty as Milli Vanilli must have felt when it was uncovered that the voices on all their tracks weren’t actually theirs.

After all, I never grew these little humans in my belly, went through an agonising childbirth, devoted every waking minute of my life to their care, and loved them with every fibre of my being for the rest of my naturals..... No, I rocked up half way through their lives, with a big bag of expectations, and then made a big song and dance about looking after them for one weekend a fortnight.

Don’t get me wrong, the recognition was lovely (an unappreciated stepmother is, after all, a recipe for instant resentment. Just add martyrdom.) but, I did feel a little undeserving of the accolades bestowed upon me.

It was time for a little phone call to the real Mummy, and the kids sang happy Mother’s day to her down the phone. Well at least my step daughter did. My step son was too caught up in the eventful imaginary world of his Gormiti to be even remotely interested in either me, or his mother! But when I spoke to her afterwards, she seemed emotional. Teary, and down she admitted that she’d found it very hard to wake up without them today. My heart went out to her – I couldn’t imagine how she was feeling, not least because I am not a mum, but I tried.

Whenever I try and understand how she feels I always try and turn things round to something that I can understand. So I imagined how I might feel if I were forced, through no choice of my own, to forfeit our wedding anniversary and allow my husband to, instead, spend it with his ex. And to not only allow it, but be smiley and cheery and never let him see that it hurt me.

Oh. Yeah, I get it.

Ok, so it’s not really the same but the feelings involved are probably remarkably similar. Anger, sadness, resentment, and frustration spring to mind.

I have read a lot recently about how Stepmothers deserve to be acknowledged on Mothers Day and how we should all stand up and be counted! Really? There was a time when I would have agreed with this statement. And whilst I agree that Stepmother’s should be acknowledged and thanked for all they do (especially the full timers!), should that really be on Mother’s day? Have we not hijacked enough of her life already without taking over the one day of the year devoted to her as well? We're not mothers. We're something entirely different altogether.

So how about a day especially for step-parents? With over half of American families now operating as step families, shouldn’t step parents be recognised for having the special relationships we have with our stepkids, without taking over a day that, actually, doesn’t really fit our job description?

StepMom Magazine - March Madness!

2010-03-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

Hey all. Happy Monday!

Just a quickie to let you know that the lovely Brenda at StepMom magazine has an amazing March Madness subscription offer on at the moment. Sign up for a 12 month subscription, and receive 11 months of back issues FREE!

Just visit www.stepmommag.com for more details....

Oooh, oooh, and are you dealing with difficult step-kids? Are you feeling the hate? Apparently you're not alone! In fact, Wednesday Martin's recent poll revealed that it's the No.1 difficulty faced by Stepmothers today. Here's Wednesday Martin's latest blog post on coping with step-kid resentment.....

http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/03/top-concern-of-women-with-stepkids-his-kids/

The continuing saga....

2010-03-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all your comments on my recent post guys..... it feels good to be back in the Blogosphere again! Why was I away so long?

My recent post about the developments between myself and the Bio Hazard seem to have brought up lots of questions in all of you! I've also received a few emails from ladies wanting to do the same thing, and extend the hand of friendship to The Ex, if only for the sake of their own mental sanity, but not knowing quite how to do it.

So today I will try and elaborate a little, and answer some of your questions....

What came about that brought on this meeting?

To be honest, I've know for a long time, that the problems between us were due to circumstance and not due to the people that we were. I knew that we were both basically good on the inside, it's just that the circumstances around our relationship lead us both to behave in irrational ways. I've always felt that much of it was due to the lack of the communication between us and that we probably both filled in the blanks to an extent, coming up with our own judgements and conclusions about the other person. I knew that if we had more contact and even (gasp) became friends, we would both have that much needed chance to air our feelings and tell our side of the story, and show our better selves. But how to do it? What if I reached out to her and she rejected me? I'd made small gestures in the past, and she had to me too, but it still felt scary, nerve-wracking and awkward. It all came to a head when the stress of the situation nearly ended our marriage. Le Husband and I split up for 3 days. It was 3 days long enough for both of us! We both knew that we didn't want to be apart but that something had to change.

My contacting her actually came about when Le Husbands phone was out of action for a few days and I had to text her to let her know that she would need to use my phone if she needed to reach us. I can't remember the exact wording of the conversation that ensued but suffice to say it lead to her thanking me for being such a great stepmum to her kids, and to me apologising about the way things have been in the past and telling her I want things to be different. It sort of went on from there really. I was lucky because she seemed to be as receptive to it as I was. And I'm very lucky that she's let me into her children's lives as much as she has. Others in this situation aren't quite so lucky, I know, but it's worth persevering.

Did it really only take one meeting to bury all of it and become great friends?

To be honest I'm not sure how much of this is a case of time healing things. If we had done this 3 years ago would it have worked? Part of my says yes, but another part of me wonders whether we HAD to go through all that emotion and heart ache and soul-searching in order to fully understand the situation and how each other felt. Once we'd both actually said that we wanted the situation to be different then it was pretty instant, but it still takes a lot of "getting to know you" after that to really make it real. It's no good just saying it and then going back to not seeing each other - how can you truly like, trust and understand someone with whom you have no contact? I know that if I let the contact slip, then I am in danger of slipping back into my old, mis-trustful and judgemental ways. One of the things I am now doing to maintain contact is being involved in pick-up/drop off. Usually, Le Husband picks them up and then I drop them back. It helps me to maintain a relationship with her and her partner, and allows me to feel more involved in things instead of being the one stuck on the outside.

What does your husband think about your new found friendship?

To be honest he's still nervous. He's happy that I'm happy - it makes his life easier after all! - but he's worried that it may go too far. At a guess, I would suggest that perhaps he feels out of control of what gets said. After all he's been carefully monitoring and controlling all information that gets passed between the two households for the last 3 years. What if something gets said that leads to an argument? What if I say something, or she says something, that he might not necessarily want the other one to know about?

I guess he also just finds it a bit weird - his current partner and his ex partner being friends? Bizarro!

Despite all this though, he does prefer the new and improved situation. I'm sure he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were!

...........

In other news....

Bio Hazard and myself were recently interviewed for an article in the Daily Mail that should be being published soon around Mothers Day. The photo shoot took place this weekend at my house. The stylist brought clothes and shoes for us to wear and we were both sent upstairs to try them on. It's a moment I'll never forget... the Bio Hazard and myself, both standing in my bedroom, rocking the bra, pants and tight's look!... NICE! To say it was surreal would be an understatement!

AND.....

The Bio-Hazard HERSELF has agreed to guest blog for me soon, on this very blog!! Yes Blog Lovahs, the Bio-Hazard has read the blog, sees the funny side (hopefully!) of being called the Bio Hazard and will be writing her own, unedited response!

Can you believe it?

Nope, neither can I!

Curiouser and Curiouser.........

Mid Week Funny.....

2010-03-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

It's been sooooo long since we had a mid-week funny!!! But this one's worth waiting for!....

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment..

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM..' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Going over to the darkside....

2010-02-25T16:05:00.000-08:00

Hey all....

Well it's certainly good to be back after my exceptionally long blogcation. And, as promised, I have news.....

Grab a brew and sit yourself down fellow steppys. This may come as a shock to you.....

Are you ready?.... Good.

Truth is....

La Belle Mere has gone over to the darkside.

Yes folks, La Belle Mere and the Bio Hazard have finally buried the hatchet. And, for once, not in each other's heads.

Tis true. I am a traitor. A scab. A deserter from the hallowed ranks of staunch pro-stepmother activists!

And maaaaaaan, it feels gooooooood........

This stepmothering gig has been so much easier since the Bio Hazard and I got together over a big ole glass of red and aired our grievances. Awkward as it felt at first, the benefits were soon clear to both of us and it was so worth persevering with our new found "mates" status.

You see, the thing is, after many years of expensive therapy, mood control prescription drugs, and lost hours trawling the internet for solutions, it would appear that the answer to all my problems has been staring me in the face all along.

LET. HER. IN. It really is that simple.

Instead of going to extraordinary lengths to KEEP. HER. OUT, all I actually had to do.... was the opposite.

The truth is, since I've let her into my life and my heart, the whole situation seems instantly less stressful and distressing, and has become, dare I say, enjoyable?! We've laughed, cried and revealed our darkest thoughts and feelings and, frankly, it's been the best therapy I've ever had. The weight that has been lifted from my shoulders has been huge.

I'd heard of this happening a couple of times before. Avid steppy blog fans will know the likes of Peggy Nolan and Erin Erickson who have made a success of their relationships with "The Ex". And Jennifer Newcombe Marine and Carol Marine, who made such a success of their relationship with each other that they have published a successful book entitled "No One's The Bitch" on the subject!

However, most of the internet stepmothers I've spoken with over the last 3 years would choke on their Chablis at the mere suggestion of extending the hand of friendship. This, I can relate to. After all, it's awkward, it feels false, you are leaving yourself wide open to a humiliating rejection and there really is no need to go through it all when it's much easier to leave everything to the Man in the Middle to organise.

Why on earth should you even consider it? Well, I can't speak for everyone but here is what the new and improved situation has meant to me.

I have a new friend. And I mean that sincerely. I have to admit, to my surprise, that I haven't had to try very hard to like her. It actually came fairly naturally. We have lots more in common that either of us realised.
The children seem over the moon with the situation. Their excitement and happiness is impossible to miss.
My marriage has improved beyond measure. In fact, we are stronger and more in love now than ever before.
I no longer suffer from "Outsider" status. Rather than having the sense of being on the outside of something that is "theirs", I now feel on the inside of something which is "ours".
I am less likely to feel the sense of persecution that I felt before. I no longer feel under attack or like I am forced to share my husband and my world with "the enemy".
Events such as parents evening, school plays and sports days are no longer likely to induce an anxiety attack that can be measured on the Richter Scale.
My heart feels bigger.

There are many more reasons. It's impossible to ever count them all or predict how many potential future upsets we may have prevented but, whatever challenges lie ahead in the future, I've a feeling that they will be no match for our new A-Team!

It's been tooooooo long!!!.........

2010-02-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

Hey folks.

Long time no speak! How the devil are ya?

It's been a few months now since I last updated La Belle Mere. I've been having a little rest from all things steppy for a while and a LOT has changed.

Things have taken a drastic turn for the better of late in La Belle Mere land and I couldn't resist the urge to reopen the blog and fill you all in on the gossip!

So watch this space..... there's much more to come......

Yes, yes, yes..... I know!!! Been rubbish! My blogcation is

2009-12-01T14:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, yes..... I know!!! Been rubbish! My blogcation is going on longer than expected but hey... I'm enjoying the break!

In the meantime here are a couple of Stepmother updates for you!!!!

This week's Wednesday Martin article on Psychology Today - a MUST READ for any stepmum struggling with her feelings about The Ex!

and.....

This month's StepMom Magazine is now available!! YAY!!!!! Turn to page 14 for your slice of La Belle Mere pie!

Right, gotta dash - it's Sprog night and, as husband has dashed off to buy new school shoes for the sproglings, I am Going Solo on sprog patrol. Wish me luck!!!

Checking in!

2009-11-18T03:52:00.000-08:00

Hello all!

Long time no speak! It's been too long!.....

As some of you have noticed, I've not blogged in a little while. Although I'm sure most of you are probably glad have one less blog to keep up with, I apologise to those of you who have missed me!

Ya see, the thing is.... I'm having a little blog-cation. I've got so much going on in my life at the moment that I've had to concentrate on other priorities and my blog has fallen by the wayside. Can't say too much at the moment but watch this space! So for the time being, I will be blogging probably more like once a week or so.

You can still catch me in StepMom magazine every month. Until then, check out more Wednesday on Wednesday from my favourite Stepfamily writer Wednesday Martin.....

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200911/why-are-there-two-turkeys-happy-holidays-stepfamilies

Bear with me Blog Lovahs. Normal service will be resumed shortly!

Oh, and don't forget to enter my giveaway to win a copy of "In the Blender" by Joanna Danks. I'll be drawing the lucky winner at the end of the week.

It's Giveaway Time Again!

2009-11-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

Hey all!

It's F-F-F-Friday!!!!! So time to celebrate with another giveaway (and a large glass of Rioja obviously!)

This week, my fellow stepmother and Brit, Joanna Danks has agreed to offer one lucky La Belle Mere reader a signed copy of her book "In The Blender". This is an absolute "Must Read" for any stepmother attempting to blend a family with children of her own.

Like Joanna says, it's a good job that blending families has a funny side.

Gutsy heroines, murderous intent, broken blood bonds, tension, treachery and trauma ... becoming a stepmother when you already have a child has hazards all of its own.

At long last, here’s the gloves-off guide which tackles the second-time-around marriage moshpit for single mothers who are getting to grips with stepmotherhood. Packed full of confessions and secrets of other blending stepmothers, here is all the encouragement, direction and camaraderie you need to get you through the early blending years.

Joanna Danks is an author and creative writing tutor. A mother, stepmother, wife and survivor of a lousy divorce, she lives more peacefully than before in the United Kingdom with her Mr Really Right This Time, her girls and the blended family dog.

Visit her blog at http://intheblender.wordpress.com where, if you fancy a taster, you can download the first 3 chapters of her book completely free!!

I'm looking forward to getting stuck into this bad-boy over the weekend. (About the only type of bad boy I do get stuck into at the weekend these days. Sigh....)

Ok Blog Lovahs, to enter this fantastic giveaway, leave a comment below. Alternatively, you can leave a comment on the Giveaways/Reviews section of my blog. The lucky winner will be drawn in 2 weeks time.

Good luck!!